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sunday april 11th 2004
2:49 p
and then like that my balloon goes

POP
POP
POP

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thursday april 8th 2004
5:03 p
i feel like it was yesterday when i was sitting over the BQE crying into my cellphone, the unseasonal warmth of that day. crying to my best friend who offered to fly across the country for me, to be with me while i went through that hell. now it's today and it's chilly and to the outside world my existence matters little. two phone calls that i ignore. the days when my friends would bang down my door, how i miss that. three, dropped like flies.

you bitch, you left me.

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6:50 a
something that i could go into a whole lot more detail about but won't: frazer was wearing light blue tinted frameless glasses today. now i think i understand why he's into saint etienne.

on an unrelated note, tonight i put on my doc martens and shirley and i dj'd an after hours set devoted to music from 1992-1995 -- we were so hot, i felt like angela chase. come on, what is better than the early 90s buzz bin? juliana hatfield, veruca salt, the butthole surfers, tripping daisy, pearl jam. went to the whatley diner afterwards and while driving on 91 had the constant urge to repeatedly mutter 'tell em large marge sent ya' and concluded that i want (need) to write a paper on truckers. i held off on the sausages tonight. & driving home from shirley's i had that early morning wanderlust and just wanted to keep going.

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wednesday april 7th 2004
1:06 a
covered shirley's show tonight. refreshing to play something outside of the 'urban' genre. the show wasn't great, but it wasn't awful. i played:

barcelona - the downside of computer camp
marine girls - on my mind
stereolab - the man with 100 cells
the stranglers - peaches
bark psychosis - i know
cat power - werewolf
june of 44 - cardiac atlas
sebadoh - forced love
figurine - impossible
the tindersticks - until morning comes
the cure - close to me (extended rare vinyl ep 12" mix)
archers of loaf - distance comes in droves
the dentists - outside your inside
elliott smith - good to go
galaxie 500 - ceremony - On Fire (bonus tracks)
decemberists - here i dreamt i was an architect
pinback - your sickness
and you'll know us by the trail of dead - another morning stoner
bonnie prince billy - even if love
ladytron - seventeen
the rapture - dumb waiters
tape - my dirty glasses
air - venus
tortoise - the lithium stiffs
dizee rascal - stop dat
xtc - making plans for nigel

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monday april 5th 2004
12:57 a
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"this Dalinian assortment that was as truculent as it was succulent.

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
Wacom stylus/pen.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
red sox game

Read more...Collapse )

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friday april 2nd 2004
4:00 a
the april fool's issue of the sophian is really not so bad.

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thursday april 1st 2004
11:06 p
I:

don't matter
don't care
don't respond to emails

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wednesday march 31st 2004
3:28 a
today i wore my mom's calvin klein long sleeved t-shirt circa ~ 1980 -- it has a small red tag on the bottom hem that says 'Calvins'. it's so hot. it has brown horozontal stripes. i also wore my dark denim calvin klein jeans (that i found for $20 at urban outfitters) with the cuffs rolled up once and my yellow adidas. this outfit just rocked cause i felt like shit but it made things alright.
somehow that seemed worthy of recording.

ShirleyBeans (6:57:17 PM): i hung out with lou barlows mom ysterday
ShirleyBeans (6:58:19 PM): he is married to an old WOZQ MD*

*MD = music director

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tuesday march 30th 2004
2:02 p - my first
sean taught me how to smoke pot. i didn't know anything about anything and it feels like he taught me everything. crying doesn't feel real anymore, when i do it, it feels forced and feigned. like only 20% of me is feeling the emotions and the other 80% is watching from the stands, just playing along, going through the motions. i feel worn away by the time. in february, january even, my insides were still red, fresh and raw -- saturated with emotion, ready to emote. ready to weep, so deeply ensconsed in this grief that it felt right and true -- like i was doing the right thing. now i feel weakened and distanced. it just feels wrong.

we would lie on his bed listening to this album. it was kind of like a staple for us, i guess. maybe that sounds stupid, but so many things in my life now have his name permanantly attached to them. i remember the night we saw yo la tengo in prospect park for free -- i was so head over heels in love with him, and the unrequitedness was palatable, but for some reason, i dont think i cared that much. i guess i knew that things would never end simply.

when i went to his apartment in august with catherine to buy pot it was the first time i'd really interacted with him since october, when we broke up. after leaving i had her give me the run down of her impression of the meeting. she said she could sense how close we were, matching wits, me making fun of him. sometimes we had this sibling like quality. walking back there just made me endlessly recall the summers where i'd meet him at 23rd & 6th after work. walking the block east from 7th avenue. walking past the blind center, tekserve, seeing him and max standing by the kiosk -- sean and his monochromatic outfits, either that or the black pants, white shirt, black button down, opened, collar up. me in my ugly work clothes. getting back [home] to brooklyn, washing my feet in the tub. the sweat and humidity hanging off of you, walking down kane street and seeing the old man sitting on the stoop. he would borrow money from sean to pay off his gambling debts and make us pasta in return. we weren't perfect, but for a time, we were happy. genuinely happy. or at least i was.

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monday march 29th 2004
5:46 p
scary new possibility: being friendsters with my adviser.

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thursday march 25th 2004
2:20 p - the wisdom of the fool won't set you free
lou barlow is coming to my alma mater. and on an unrelated matter, psychedelic rock is awesome. i think that i should only play rock from 1962-1967 on my show. that's it, nothing else. oh, i got into the nyu prague program and immediately felt 'bleh' about it. part of me kind of got accustomed to the self-defeating idea that i wouldn't get in, and that i'd have to spend a semester bumming it around as a visiting student to nyu or columbia. kind of got used to that idea, kind of liked it. so back to plan A.

my mailbox has 2004 total messages.

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wednesday march 24th 2004
11:59 p
currently feel as if i'm some giant underscore sandwiched in between words.

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11:46 a
the barenaked ladies are no longer fat. they were the ultimate awesome fat band. wrong, wrong, wrong.

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monday march 22nd 2004
3:14 p
ok someone please teach me to parallel park because i suck at it and its really fucking sad, ok?

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10:21 a
spent much of last night trying to network my two laptops for the purpose of transferring several albums from one computer to the other -- kind of sort of failed miserably at that. sitting here listening to the new matmos album and doing my photography reading/response and desperately putting off the inevitability of having to return to smith. don't want to go back, don't want to go back.

just want some form of warmth -- can't stand the fact that while it's still bitterly cold in new york, it can only get exponentially worse the further north you go. the last thing i want is to drive back into snow. spring, please come?

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friday march 19th 2004
2:38 a
arches and shins hurt in a way they haven't in a long while. partially due to the fact that my boots provide little to no support. it was a total carpe diem kind of day. i left this morning at like a quarter to eleven and then met brooks and kc for brunch at 11:30 and went on a 4 hour shoe mission that resulted in brooks' acquisition of amazing hot pink spike heels with matching purse. talking about cuban american politics with pot delivery guy, refreshing to feel comfortable in my skin, avoiding the eyecontact focused below my collarbone, standing -- pelvis forward, shoulders diagonal, "man, there's a whole lot of those chino-cubanos, it's crazy" he tells us, pulling tupperware out of a t-shirt, relaying the imagery of finding yourself admist may day riots. kc called him intense, suppose there's a subtle irony in talking communism with your dealer. bid them adieu at like half past six and met up with dj alnie and ate awful delicious food and got bubble tea and beers (unfortunately no instant boner for low carb beer) and wine and early 90s house and headaches and running after trains and being surrounded by drunken belligerents -- a refreshing fatigue. & in giant need of dr. scholl's gel insteps.

tapioca properCollapse )

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wednesday march 17th 2004
2:45 p - growing pains
i keep on having these recurrent thematic dreams that make me feel like a pathetic loser. i'm not sure if i've always been this much of a needy little bitch, or if it's just a recent development.

last night she was seemingly attractive, and was semi-reminicent of sarah polley -- but i'm guessing that was just my dream being nice to me. i'm inclined to say that the reality is a little off from the inflated, fabricated dreamland i visit nightly. i guess my mind gnaws on this fixation of a woman because it's so far removed from me that it really may not exist. except for those routine phonecalls that serve as constant reminders.

and why is it that everytime, everytime it comes up, everytime it becomes an "issue", i want to pipe in and explain to the world that i "had that once, too." i constantly find myself wishing i still had that part of me, part of my life, that person who would call me drunk, or that person that i would call drunk, that person that i'd secretly hope i'd run into on the train in the morning, on those particular inbetween days. cause he was that girl -- except that he was smarter, and for all fucking intents and purposes, cooler. and better looking. and most importantly, not fucking annoying.

i think that maybe the problem is that i'm just all too willing to throw up that white flag and just give in.

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saturday march 13th 2004
12:08 a - dolor
right now -- i feel awful. the severity of the madrid bombings is just hitting me now. i emailed my friend suzanne who's studying there this semester to see if she's okay. it's just so, fucked. president bush's statement that he made outside the home of the spanish ambassador to the us was just so empty and rife with bullshit -- maybe it's just me, but i don't really need to be reminded of the subtleties of 'evil' when the face of it is in the wake of the deaths of those one hundred something people.

to quote my theatre professor, i feel so ... accidented. i drove three and a half hours, in and out of traffic, through three states to be welcomed by my over eager dog in a pitch black house. my mom was out with her coworkers, celebrating the 'last meal' of a colleague about to undergo that famous gastric bypass surgery. they were dining at carmines on the east side, having some elaborate 80 course meal before this woman bids adieu to food for, uh, a while. and my dog is there jumping around and barking at me from the inside of my house, he's freshly groomed and wearing a green bandanna. so, i took him for a walk. my mother got home later and went to bed shortly thereafter. she now teaches 'saturday school' and has to be up by 6 am. i watched two sets of news, that new dramedy 'wonderfalls', 48 hours, 20/20, and the tail end of howard stern (circa 1997, mia farrow was the guest). i turned off the tv and got a phone call. jovial sounds of laughther and inebriation left me feeling lonelier than i've been in weeks. but that's not to accident anyone, of course. i came home to a house that surprisingly had a carton of fresh milk in the refridgerator.

so, i'm supposed to meet with the estranged kaitlin cole, julia, sam, & nina, et al. (all transplanted to new york) sometime tomorrow, don't really have money to blow, don't really know what to do, feel accidented, feel empty, feel mad but unjustifiably (of course), half past midnight and suppose i should just throw in the proverbial towel. i guess i'm just naturally mad at myself for assuming. accidented, accidented.

it's scary to read the obituraries in smith alumnae quarterly magazine. they organize the deaths by class year. i always start reading them at the bottom of the page. it begins with 2003. then 2001. in this issue it jumped to 1999. apparently some woman in the class of '99 was killed in a car crash. i yelled at sam today because she and nina were talking about how funeral processions 'fuck up traffic.' they concluded this when i mentioned that a series of cars were following a hearse in the hov lane on I-91 a couple of weeks ago. "well then they should drive in the slow lane instead of slowing down the carpool lane!" i had wanted to mention that it was a left exit, but the point seemed moot. this sancticty of life, is it really something that we overlook everyday?

lastimamos para usted.

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tuesday march 9th 2004
7:05 p - on mania
so i suppose reading that new york magazine article has made me a little hypochondriacal. i mean, living in this bubble where basically everyone is on one form of a brain med or another, it's made me, uh, question some things. am i crazy just like everybody else? i googled hypomania and found this on about.com:

Some people think that they are just "over their depression" when they become manic, and don't realize this exaggerated state is part of the illness - part of bipolar disorder. A person who has depression and mania is said to have Bipolar I.

In addition to Bipolar Disorder I, the American system of diagnosing this disorder also includes Bipolar Disorder II, which involves symptoms of hypomania instead of full-blown mania.

Hypomania - a less extreme form of manic episode - could include:

  • Having utter confidence in yourself
  • Being able to focus well on projects
  • Feeling extra creative or innovative
  • Being able to brush off problems that would paralyze you during depression
  • Feeling "on top of the world" but without going over the top.
  • Hypomania does not include hallucinations or delusions, but a hypomanic person still might exhibit some reckless or inappropriate behavior. A person who has moods of depression and hypomania is said to have Bipolar II.


  • uh, who hasn't felt that way? who hasn't gone through a period of depression and 'snapped out of it'? is any kind of solace from depression automatically hypomania? what about someone who finds themselves 'depressed' but then finds themselves happier, more confident? is that automically hypomania? so anytime i feel confident, focused, or engage in whatever is considered 'reckless' behavior, am i being hypomaniacal? i just don't understand modern psychiatry today. it's like, the 90s were characterized by your run-of-the-mill garden variety type of depression, and now the fad is bipolar disorder? is that really all it is?

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    monday march 8th 2004
    11:06 p
    this weather is awful. its like a veritable slap in the face. the proverbial mother nature is telling us to go fuck ourselves. with this weather, i just can't be happy with the world. it's awful and painful. it's murder. i hate it. i'm semi-sick and my room is once again approaching repulsive. i am now sick and my room officially is repulsive.

    sean's sister, devon, emailed me and i spoke to her briefly on aim. i just feel so numb, i feel hardened and empty. i just don't feel anymore. i hate to think that i've just been getting used to not having him around. i hate to think that, like any animal, i've adapted -- that this is just something i'll 'get over.' i just miss him so much, i don't want to look at my happier times as 'bouncing back' or any of that horseshit -- it hurts me that i'm not hurting as much. i still feel like i'm living in denial, that my day to day life is existing in some fake realm where i just ignore the reality and move on.

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